A Year Ago Today...

A year ago today I found out I was pregnant with Ava! I remember that day so well. I had taken a pregnancy test the day before and it was negative, but it was still early enough that, that didn't mean anything, so I took another one when I woke up in the morning. Well it looked negative at first but as I looked at it more and more I swore there was a line there, I couldn't get a good picture of it so I couldn't really have my mommy friends and their expert eyes on the board look at it, but I swear I saw something. I should have waited until a little later in the day to test, while most tests say to use your FMU (first morning urine) that has never really worked for me, I should have known better. Of course I had no other tests in the house and Matt was at work and I didn't want to take Logan out just to get one. So I called Matt and told him to bring me home one of my old trusty digital tests. So all day I spent staring at that darn test, I kept thinking maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me. So once Matt got home I ran upstairs to take the digital, I didn't tell Matt about the possible line earlier in the day and I didn't tell him I was taking the one he just brought home. Heart racing I did the digital test, if you haven't used one, it blinks an hour glass while the test is working and it blinked for a really long time... Finally I look down at it and there is was "PREGNANT" the first thing I said, "I new there was a darn line there!" and then my heart was really racing. I went downstairs and Matt was sitting on the couch and I showed it to him, and of course he had that shocked look on his face he gets every time I tell him I am pregnant. That day I thought I had pink eye, so I was going to go to immediate care to have it looked at since it was the weekend, so as soon as I told Matt I was pregnant, I had to head over before they closed so I left Matt in his shocked state and went. They took my blood pressure when I got there and it was high and so was my heart rate LOL! I said well I just found out I am pregnant like 15 minutes ago and then they weren't so concerned. (A side not I didn't have pink eye, the problem was from my contact so then I had to go over to Walmart so the eye doctor could look at it, it was a crazy day) By the time I got home, Matt was a little less shocked. I remember telling Matt that I was going to take today to just be excited, but by the time we were laying in bed that night, my excitement was gone and terror had taken over.

While I was excited I was pregnant, I really didn't get excited about the pregnancy. Granted I was taking my meds and hopeful they would keep me pregnant this time, I just couldn't get attached yet. Sure enough about 2 weeks later I was bleeding again, and lot worse than with my miscarriage and the sad thing was that wasn't even that upset. I thought at least it's happening early this time and we won't ride the emotional roller coaster of literally watching our baby slowly die this time. I called the doctor told them what was going on and the nurse told me she was sorry and to come in for another blood draw to see where my numbers were at. Of course my number had went up so even though it was early I headed in for an ultrasound. I expected the worse of course and to make matters worse Logan had the stomach flu and I had to go alone, it was not a fun day. So I go in for the ultrasound and everything that should be there at that stage (fetal pole, sac) was there still and after the ultrasound tech looked around she said I can't see the baby yet, but at this stage it's ok, and just as soon as she said that she said wait and all of a sudden I saw this tiny little line and it was pulsating, she said, it's too early to put in the report but between you and me that is your baby and the pulsating is it's heartbeat. It just took the breath right out of me. It was truly amazing to see life at that stage. I left still feeling uncertain and refused to let myself become attached to that beautiful pulsating line after all they couldn't see a reason for the bleeding, just like last time, I thought my body was failing this baby again.

I had more bleeding on and off the next week, and I went back in for a follow up during the sixth week, thankfully Matt was with me this time, but we both remained very detached to the whole thing, we always expected to be told our baby was gone. Once again everything was still there and there it was a beautiful little bean with a strong heartbeat measuring spot on. Amazing truly. During this ultrasound the tech found the source of the bleeding, it wasn't too big of a uterine bleed, but it was very close to the baby. My heart sunk again. It was pretty much a 50/50 shot now either the bleed gets bigger and detaches the baby thus causing another miscarriage or the bleed heals up and we have a baby. I was put on modified bed rest and we hoped for the best, I wouldn't have another ultrasound until my first OB appointment at 9 weeks. It was another hellish 3 weeks but when we went in for that 9 week ultrasound we saw a beautiful baby in there with a beautiful heartbeat and the best news was that the bleed had healed! Matt looked at the ultrasound and said it looks like a jellybean, and I thought well maybe we are going to have a baby after all...

It took a long while to get excited about Ava's pregnancy, I just couldn't let myself get hurt again, but as she held on and grew we opened our hearts. One of the reasons we found out the sex ahead of time this time was because Matt and I were both having a hard time connecting to the pregnancy and to the baby, once we found out we were having a girl and we picked her name out, it really helped to kind of pre-bond with her and I think that helped us during the pregnancy and I think it also helped me post delivery in bonding with her. She is our little fighter and I just wish I knew how that story was going to end a year a go today when I found out she was on the way. I do wish I could have enjoyed more of her pregnancy, but after you have suffered a loss, I don't think you ever look at pregnancy the same, I think about how happy and care free I was with Logan's pregnancy and sadly Matt and I have talked about how it will NEVER be like that again, your changed forever when it happens to you.

Ava was truly a gift from above and we know our angle baby Peanut was watching out for her.

I still haven't written out Ava's birth story, although I had a much better birth experience this time around and really no c-section depression this time, I am still coming to grips with my failed VBAC attempt or I should say the VBAC attempt that never was and the fact I will never experience the birth I wanted, that we wanted, so I haven't been ready to write it out, but I think I will do it this week, I want to have it, just like I have Logan's to look back on. It might not be the story we wanted, but it is the story of how our beautiful daughter got her and that really is all that matters in the grand scheme.