Two Years Ago...

This weekend two years ago was the beginning of the end of my pregnancy with Peanut. I can't even explain how horrible the next two weeks were for me and for Matt, and this year it seems to be bugging me a lot more, I am sure it is because I was pregnant with Ava last year and preoccupied.

It wasn't a quick miscarriage, it went on, ups and downs for two weeks. We saw Peanut twice, we saw her heart beating, and we saw her suffering as well. I really feel like the doctors gave us way to much false hope, but then again, at the time I was seeing covering obs because my doctor (who I loved and he was the doctor that delivered ME and Logan) was out for for a surgery (unfortunately a surgery that would end this career, the same day I found out I lost Peanut, he had a stroke and he was never able to come back to practice, he closed his office this past January. I really like my current ob, but I loved Dr. W, after all he brought me into the world and my first baby). Because I wasn't a "real" patient I was really jerked around while all this was going on and it didn't make things any easier.

I also think it's harder this year because I do have Ava and to just see the joy in her face and all the new things she is discovering and to know Peanut will never experience that here and with us is just sad.

However, Peanut's short life is not without meaning, and it really was the defining event that made the decision for me to start a nursing career, easy.

I opened my quote app on my iPod today and this was the quote it gave me,
"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey."

And I totally plan on doing that! I am so ready for this journey!